Fifty Shades Darker: Check out our beginner’s guide to BDSM

Fifty Shades Darker has cum and gone. So, we just had to make a beginner’s guide to BDSM

So you discovered BDSM, courtesy of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steel in 50 Shades of Grey. It’s no secret that the 50 Shades character Christian Grey in the movies and books gets the juices flowing. So what’s Christian Grey’s secret, then? Confidence, dapper dressing, and BDSM (Bondage, Discipline/Dominance, Submission and Masochism), of course. That’s why we’re going to help you get fifty shades darker with a quick tutorial on BDSM. But wait! Don’t reach for that whip yet!

Start with a Blindfold or a Feather, not a Cat O’Nine

Ignore the impulse to construct your very own 50 Shades’ “Red Room of Pain” right off the paddle and start off small. Think: handcuffs, blindfolds, a feather grazing her tender parts, hot wax dripped on her skin, some light spanking – that kind of thing. Bondage play is an excellent point of entry into BDSM because it’s relatively safe, and it gives you a chance to play with power dynamics and get comfortable in whichever role you’d like to play, whether that’s as a dominant or a submissive

Are you a Dominant or a Submissive?

The more experience you have playing your chosen role, the better you’ll be at playing it. Subs want to be controlled, to be utterly dominated, and they derive comfort and a feeling of safety from that so if you decide you enjoy being dominant, you have to be comfortable with the idea of exerting your will over someone else within an established set of parameters and you have to perform it compellingly. At the same time, you have to be sensitive to your partner and recognise when something isn’t working.

Safewords

If bondage play progresses and you’re looking to intensify things, it’s important to discuss safe words and limits with your partner. This is a precautionary measure that happens before you do anything and it protects both participants, guaranteeing that play is always pleasurable. More than that, it’s also a chance to talk about boundaries and get even closer to your partner, which makes for better sex.

Safewords are much clearer than a simple “yes” or “no” in BDSM play. “Red”, “yellow” and “green” are popular universal safewords. “Red” means stop and does not mean it’s OK to go back to that activity a few minutes later. It’s best to stop all activity just to make sure a sub is OK. “Yellow” means slow down, take it easy or take it down a notch or two.

At this point, you should have a sense of the role you’re playing, whether that’s as the dominator/submitter, sadist/masochist, master/slave. It’s important to remember that both parties have equal amounts of power. The sub might be dominated, but it’s ultimately the sub who determines the limits of what will be happening.

There’s plenty to explore in the world of BDSM, and the more imaginative you are, the better. If you’re looking for ideas, chances are you have a local BDSM community filled with open, honest people, who’d be happy to talk more about the art of Domination and Submission.

Figure out what you enjoy about BDSM

Your first BDSM outings will likely be awkward, but the more time you spend at it, the more natural it feels, adding a great range of depth and fulfilment to your sexual relationships. In humans, there’s a real, deep psychological need that’s filled with being submissive or dominant, but only in circumstances where there are trust and communication.

There is no one-size-fits-all reason people enjoy BDSM. Some like being objectified in a safe, controlled environment. Some live for the endorphin rush that results from pain. Others revel in exerting control over others, or enjoy the freedom BDSM gives, allowing them to shed inhibitions and try things they would never have otherwise.

Whatever the reason, most couples find new, exciting, mutually pleasurable play strengthens bonds and can put the spark back in humdrum sex lives.

Before trying BDSM, you likely won’t know what aspect of it you’ll find most alluring. As you play more with kink (and with each other), you’ll discover more precisely what it is about BDSM you enjoy most. Share and discuss your revelations with your partner and build future sexy scenes around those elements.